Today is the 8th February 2009 . 

Firstly . . . i just wanna say i'm sorry to dear dear . I must have been a lousy girlfriend . 

It all happened yesterday . Had my second ducktours interview . Supposed to memorize all 5 and a half pages of script . But i only manage to complete 3 pages . But i went anyway . I thought i did okay, but didn't got through . I felt stupid, stupid to memorize it, stupid to join ducktours, and even worse why i wanna go when i got rejected twice before . I seemed desperate . And i had hope, which turned into burnt ash disappointment . Shame on me . 

Met up with Shirley for major exams revision at Starbucks . The urge to revise burnt off too . Wanted to get a coffee, and to realize i didn't bring my wallet . She paid for me first, will return it back to her . Got my coffee, proceeded to the sugar/milk counter, placed my cellphone down and get some raw sugar . Went back to sit . Started revision . . . i was barely copying notes . From lecturer notes to a blank page . It doesn't make sense huh . Whatever . Shirley whipped out her phone after that, which made me feel like checking on my phone too . Only one thing, i don't remember keeping it in my bag and it's not on the bag, neither was it on the table . Used Shirley's phone to call my cellphone . Feel no vibration, look back at the sugar counter, it's not there . 

So yeah, it's gone . 

Made a few more calls, until i told Shirley about it . She got up, went to the counter and asked the staffs and so coincidentally, her phone rang . Call from Chantel, my eyes widen a bit . I answered, it was the staff calling, he passed my phone back to Shirley and i got it back . I guess i'm the few that doesn't have much reaction when my phone is lost, especially when it costs up to SGD500 bucks . Continued studying for a while, both of us couldn't focus and nothing is going in . We went shopping . 

Walked and shopped, we went our own ways heading home . She went her bus way, i went my subway route . And to realize, i didn't bring my ez-link card too . If you're wondering how i went there, dear dear drove me . So i called dear dear, and he asked me to take a taxi and he'll pay for it . I didn't really wantto . So i said maybe later, i'll shop a while more . Then i called home, Mom asked me to go to Jiejie and take some cash from her to purchase a standard ticket for train since she's just working at Raffles City . I didn't wanna disturb her from work, so i said the same as what i said to dear dear . 

No cash, no ez-link, all alone walking in the crowded area, i was lucky to have my cellphone battery going . If not, i might have to beg for cash i guess, and no one will give because of how i dress . But something struck my mind . . . been skipping chances of my time alone haven't i ? So i walked from the subway, slowly, by passed Raffles Link . Stopped by the bookstore and went in for a look . So many categories, i picked a book from Love and Relationships, browsed through, and started thinking . Well, don't ask me what i think, because i'm literally thinking about a lotta things at a time . I moved on the the Languages category . . . Korean for Dummies . Strolled around and halted at Self-improvements . And just when i thought i was strong, i took out a piece of tissue and dried my tears . It's like a wound that will never ever heal, and a slight thought of it is like sprinkling salt over the wound . Escaping, i turned to Interior Design and browsed through photographs . Some are good, some are bad . 

I exited and continued my slow walk . This is it, finally i'm having my time . I came to the junction and walked slower, straight ( Suntec / Marina Square ) or turn right ( Esplanade ) ? 

Right . 

Okay, right because it's more quiet with less crowd . Well, even if there's crowd, basically it's all arts appreciation, the noise level wouldn't go that high . Walked, dabbed my eyes with tissue, look up, look right, look left and that's basically what i did . But there's a whole lotta things going on in my mind . I reached Esplanade, strolled to the bridge and crossed it . I'm at One Fullerton . Went to the other extreme end, i stood by the water listening to Jay's songs . There were stars, but too bright to count because the casino is in the midst of building and construction light was very bright despite the distance . Fished out my phone, 8 missed calls and one sms . And the phone rang in silent just as i was holding it . I didn't answer . The more they call, the more i thought and the more issues i will bring up to ask myself . Finally, i thought i should just answer the call for the sake of letting them know i'm safe . So i did, the call was from dad . I lied that i was still shopping . He wanted me to take a taxi home and he'll bring down payments as i reach . I said maybe later . Text message to dear dear because he's calling none stop and is at the national library waiting to pick me up with a headache . Little did he knew that i wasn't there, instead, was at One Fullerton . But i refused to let him know where i was . I insisted on being alone . 

He replied to let me be alone until i wish to head home and he'll arrive to fetch me home while waiting at the library . And so i gave up, because then, i wouldn't be able to have my time alone as normal if someone else is waiting for me with a headache . I made my way to the drop off point while he came to fetch me home . I gave a cold shoulder . Radio and windows wind down . But he's acting a bit strange . Traffic jammed at CTE, smell of exhaust in the tunnel almost made me puke . I had my head down . 

Home, he asked me for panadol . That's when i realized he's having a bad bad headache, and drank a lot during the dinner previously . I asked mom for it, but she said panadol can't be taken if alcohol is drunk . So i put him to put bed, starting to feel guilty . He felt warm too . As he complained about being cold, mom brought him another blanket in addition . I turned in soon after . Woke up at around 4.30am, he told me he's still having headache, i woke mom up for any possible medicine to ease his ache . He took and i hug him to sleep . No long after, i couldn't stand his body heat, so i went back to my own bed . Of course, i already knew he's having fever . I got back to sleep, hopefully the medicine mom gave him could do away the fever . 

Morning came, i woke up and felt his forehead . Nothing's getting better . So we went to the doctors . 38.7 degrees and he's resting now . 

He risked drink driving, headache, and drove all the way from Chevron at Jurong to National Library to One Fullerton to look for me . Almost 2 jugs of beer, then had 3 sticks of cigarette and lotsa Clorets to clear his alcoholic breathe just in case there're any road blocks . Like . . . what ? All in all, he risked his life, his car license and his job in the transport department, and all i gave him was a cold shoulder . 

I really seriously from the bottom of my heart, am feeling so much guilt . 

我想我这当女朋友的真的非常失败。